I haven't always been an anxious person, I haven't always been sad and withered.
I used to be young, bright and jovial. I used to have the biggest smile, I used to have an endless supply of energy, and I had a staunch sense of optimism. I was young and I was naive, and I treated life as a playground.
Now, I am a shell of what I was. I am a shadow of my former self. I am constantly tired, stressed, anxious, indecisive, and I am always sad. I am always depressed, and I am always fighting this battle to stay sane and stable.
What is depression?
Depression isn't always the quiet guy crying. I think it is people who put on a happy face for the public, but then they go home and cry themselves to sleep. I think it is those of us who are happy one moment, and then in tears the next. I think it is those of us who constantly find themselves in a state of despair, and looking for issues to which we attach our sadness. We believe deep down, every step of the way, that the problem of the day is the ultimate problem - it is the ultimate problem, whose resolution will bring us peace once and for all. But it never seems to be the end - another problem arises, and we are back to square one.
To put things in perspective, I am going to list everything I have ever worried and obsessed about, and how it ended up. By doing this, I hope that I can look back at this list and tell myself that I have always come out these things alive.
- Worried about IGCSE physics, cried and wailed, got an A*.
- Worried about IGCSE results, ended up getting 9 A*s
- Worried about foundation critical thinking and the topic of the "debate" presentation - I cried and wailed on the floor of my bedroom. I ended up with an A+ on what was a very basic course, the lecturer of the course would later become a very close mentor. It was quite ridiculous how I overthought something so simple.
- Worried about principles of physics foundation, got an A
- Worried about Maths III exam, got an A
- Worried, cried and panicked about programming fundamentals' C++ checkers assignment, cried and cried and wailed, ended up getting a 19.5/20
- Worried, cried and had a panic attack the night before degree calculus exam, ended up getting an A+
- Worried about what I wrote in the programming fundamentals exam, ended up getting an A+
- Worried about professional development assignment, ended up getting an A
- Worried about Intro to DS assignment and not being able to contact Maheson, ended up getting an A and everything worked out
- Cried and broke down after all the Sambal SOS drama, ended up making me famous at a national level
- Worried about FYP topic, no sleep for days, massive panic attack, crying on the bed because I wasn't happy with my topic, ended up changing to a different topic, getting an A+ and publishing my first research paper
- Worried about the research paper, ended up getting accepted to present at a conference
- Worried that the conference wasn't big enough, well maybe, but I still got to ICIP a year later
- Worried about all the life decisions I made up until going to MMU for a degree after the Kasi awards and seeing everybody do big things abroad at big universities - right now, when people see where life has taken me, I think it all worked out in a lengthy, roundabout way.
- Worried about the Politecnico di Torino, and regretting that I missed the email to apply for TUM in Germany
- Worried that I didn't get the scholarship that year, and whether Torino was worth self-funding, decided to go anyway, had a great experience in the end
- Worried about math analysis and wondering why I took it, spent so much time on it and just barely passed
- Worried about hotel booking in Florence, turned out to be legit
- Constantly fought with Zaid about the hostel living, was repeatedly sad and depressed, complaining to everybody who would listen, ended up being the last person I talked to and spent time with before leaving Italy. This experience was pivotal.
- Worried about final grade and credit transfer, passed and credits transferred
- Worried about the first moneylion rejection (for the second fucking time because how on earth did I screw up the DS take-home twice) - no one knows about the first time besides Wai Hoo who has now left. Was sad that the job market was not working out, and why I can't find a good job. I always believed that I was capable enough after Sambal SOS, then it was like nothing is working out. like how the fuck did I get rejected from Western Digital out of nowhere
- Worried about how to break into moneylion a second time, tried spamming wai hoo, tried the data engineering assessment, at the end I got a job there
- Worried about getting lowballed and having everyone around me making more than me, by a lot by a lot
- Worried about finding the next jitendra - wei chun - who was constantly better than me and my boss jeremy hating my guts for some reason
- Worried about whether I am getting a raise turned out to be very low, wei chun probably got a lot more
- Worried about all the masters applications, got rejected from everywhere except Cambridge uiuc mscs - rejected ucla mscs - waitlisted then rejected uoft mscs (maybe really a phd) - interviewed, then rejected in a brutal way after getting false hope from how friendly he was in the meeting mit phd - rejected, of course oxford mscs - rejected princeton mscs - rejected
- Worried about funding, got rejected by Khazanah, hid it from everyone out of shame, ended up getting the Jardine scholarship
- Worried about Jardine and all the emails, ended up getting that scholarship